God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
nutella sex= disaster
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
