youre lurking in front of me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Say something about gay babies.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
