Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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