nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
