I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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