I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
