i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
