rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
