Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
