mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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