did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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