someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
