My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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