he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
