i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
