My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I smell like Dick and happiness
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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