ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
