If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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