i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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