at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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