im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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