When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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