Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
