you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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