I think I am morally bankrupt
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize