The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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