i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Everclear isn't food dammit
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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