one might say we're banned from that church
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
