So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
