That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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