I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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