Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
