How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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