last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
