my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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