just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How's work?
Spinning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
