By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
