Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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