Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize