Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We were destined to go to rehab together
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
