i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize