Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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