What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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