Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
