he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
