what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
