Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
