Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
