I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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