I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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