can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
