We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The air taste purple.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
