We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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