your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
