Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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