i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
