i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
