he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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