Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
